How To Stop Destroying A Relationshipby Dr. Beth Cuje, LPC, LMFT

Are you having trouble with a relationship? Do you keep repeating the same arguments without resolving them? Are you destroying the relationship? Take a look at the following scriptures and then at some suggestions for resolving your problem. • Don’t be a hypocrite! First clean the inside of your cup and dish that the outside of them may be clean also. -- Matthew: 23:25 • Take the log out of your eye before you try to take the speck out of your brother’s (son, daughter-in-law, husband, friend) eye. -- Ephesians 4:25-27 • Speak the truth in love. -- Ephesians 4:15 • Be angry but do not sin: do not let the sun set on your wrath, nor give place to the devil. -- Ephesians: 4:26-28 If you have tried and failed to keep these commandments, you may be hurting pretty bad. But getting stuck in anger or guilt doesn’t fix the issue. BEING HUMAN GETS IN YOUR WAY; You are a human being. You may be a Christian and want to do God’s will, but when you are very stressed and upset, you are more likely to just react, based on what you feel, think, and need. Why? Because you are human with a human body and an imperfect mind that take over when you get stressed and upset. Jesus was able to always listen to God and do exactly what Father told him to do. You, on the other hand may start with this desire, but unless you have trained your body and mind to stay focused on God, you will find it almost impossible to keep his peace and joy and to do his will. Yes, sometimes you may go numb and feel as if you are in control. But when you are numb, you are not in a position to resolve issues. Also, because you have repeated the same reactions over and over, you have now made it more likely that you will have the same reactions and do the very same things the next time the issue surfaces. Why not try something different? SOMETHING DIFFERENT: I suggest, that as soon as you feel yourself begin to react the old way, you: • Take a deep breath, • Drop your shoulders and unclench your fists, wiggle your toes • Take another deep breath, • Step back and relax. Now, • Pay close attention to your emotions. Doing this will make it easier to do what God’s Word says. Here’s why. When you are feeling stressed and angry, anxious, ashamed, or overwhelmed, stress and your negative emotions lock in distortions and limitations in your thinking. At the same time, stress and your negative emotions hide the whole truth from you. This separates you from God. (God never turns his back on you, you just can’t hear him.) In this state of being, you cannot see the big picture and it is almost impossible to make wise decisions. BECOME AN “OBJECTIVE OBSERVER”: On the other hand, if you “do something different (see above),” you become an “objective observer” of what is happening to you at that moment. As an “objective observer” you are more able to control what you focus on. Your focus determines your level of stress and negative emotions. It works like this. As a conscious observer, you have choice. Now, instead of staying focused on the person, thing, action, or problem that is causing you trouble, you can choose to focus on God and do things his way. You start by dealing with your stress. Then you label your negative emotions and let go of them. (There are tools for this.) This liberates your mind to see all sides of realityâ€"the big picture and to refocus on God and on his Word. Believe me, whatever you focus on, harmful or helpful, will get you more of it! Then the goal here is to stay a conscious observer and “speak the truth in love.” Right? You don’t have to go along with the other person. You don’t have to fix anything. You can disagree with him or her. But right at this moment, you need to stop focusing on the person and the problem and focus on doing do things God’s way in God’s time. (That may mean keeping your mouth shut for the moment.) In my book, Become the Person You Were Meant to Be - The Choice-Cube Method, you can learn how to get rid of stress, let go of your negative emotions and shift your focus back to God and his Word. There are also some simple Choice-Cube tools to help you do this. If you want more information, check out my website http://www.cheatmate.tk