years now, and I can say with confidence that at least 75 percent of
the letters I receive from married people are about issues that could
have been avoided if the couples had better communicated their
expectations about married life before tying the knot. Letters like
one I answered recently in which the husband and wife had drastically
different ideas on where they'd like to raise a family are, sadly, not
uncommon. But they'd be much more of a rarity if couples would discuss
these 10 issues before getting married:
1. Outstanding debt.Who has some and what is the plan for paying it off?
2. Children.Do you want them? If so, how many? If not, are you sure
enough about that decision to take permanent steps to ensure you don't
have them (like a vasectomy)? If you do want them, when do you want to
have your first? Are you open to adoption or fertility treatments if
you're unable to conceive naturally? How long do you want to try to
conceive naturally before trying different options?
3. Location, location, location.Where do you want to put roots down?
And if you don't want to put roots down and would prefer to stay on
the move indefinitely -- my parents, for example, raised me and my
sister in three different countries (none of which was the U.S., where
they were raised) -- make sure your partner is on board with that
idea. How would you rank location in terms of importance for your
well-being? If you love where you live, what would persuade you to
move -- a job offer, desire to be closer to family, better schools for
your kids?
4. Religion.If you practice a religion or have a particular faith, how
important is it that your partner share the faith and practice it with
you? How does your religion or faith affect your lifestyle? If you
plan to have kids, what religion, if any, do you want to raise them
in?
5. IKEA.Marriages are broken in the aisles of IKEA every day. Do not
underestimate the power of the Swedish smorgasbord of cheap,
disposable home goods. If you and your partner plan to spend even a
minute of your marriage in IKEA, decide whether a $40 book shelf is
worth the two or three years from your life it may cost you.
6. Dream home.Do you want a McMansion in the 'burbs? A cozy condo in
the sky? A beach bungalow? A cabin in the woods? A macked-out tree
house? A ranch in Utah? You may never live in your dream home, but
knowing whether you and your significant other share common long-term
goals will help solidify your roles as partners in each other's lives
and confirm that you're working toward the same thing.
7. Bank accounts and bill-sharing.Will you share a bank account? Keep
individual accounts? Both? And what bills will be paid by what
accounts? Will you each put a certain percentage of your income toward
shared bills? Do you have an emergency fund? What if one person is out
of work or decides to stay home to raise the kids? What's your plan
for affording that?
8. Division of household labor.Dishes, laundry, yada, yada, yada.
Barter, negotiate and plead if you have to so that you aren't stuck
doing the thing you least like all the time. If you hate, hate, hate
washing dishes, but don't mind cooking, suggest to your partner that
you head meal preparation if he or she agrees to take on the dishes.
This works best if the thing you hate with a passion isn't also the
same thing your partner hates with a passion. If it is, find a way to
compromise, using your best negotiation tactics "Okay, I'll empty the
litter box and do the laundry if you please wash the dishes..."
9. Sex.Do you want to sleep with just one person for the rest of your
life? Can you and still be happy and satisfied? If not, you need to
discuss either the possibility of an open marriage, strategies for
keeping the spark alive, or waiting on marriage until the idea of
monogamy isn't a death sentence for you.
10. TV in the bedroom: Yay! Or nay?Think of the TV in the bedroom as a
metaphor for your whole marriage. Do you want a method of escape or to
protect the intimacy? Neither answer is right or wrong, but answering
yourselves the question before you get married could provide a
valuable insight into how you picture your married life together.
--
*#hadey*adeola
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